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Monthly Archives: May 2012




Sometimes I wish I were a little kid again, skinned knees are easier to fix than broken hearts.  ~Author Unknown


God is closest to those with broken hearts.  ~Jewish Saying


God can heal a broken heart, but He has to have all the pieces.  ~Author Unknown


Giving up doesn’t always mean you are weak; sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go.  ~Author Unknown

I don’t know why they call it heartbreak.  It feels like every other part of my body is broken too.  ~Missy Altijd


Why I let others feelings about me, get me so down is beyond me. I try not to let it happen, I guess I am not in control of my thoughts as much as I would like to be.

the day started off better than it has for the past month, as far as my fatigue goes, my pain level was more tolerable, but every ounce of me was swollen, a lot has to do with the barometric pressure,  which is something I just comprehended today, I always wake up swollen in rainy weather, but couldn’t grasp how my body knew it was crappy out. lol. anyhow…..

my boyfriends ex-wife calls, she’s not very happy cause we want his 11-year-old son to live with us. this is where at all started, she has decided to speak very rudely about me, and how I don’t work and I shouldn’t be spending money on certain things.  FYI…I DON’T ASK HIM FOR A PENNY.  I DON’T WORK DUE TO MY  BATTLE WITH FIBRO AND BIPOLAR. which for a month straight now has been unbearable to live with, and has left me doing absolutely nothing for a major part of the month. which is very discouraging.( my boyfriend D.A.E, of 3 years, excepts  who I am and he understands my battles, and is very supportive)

I am rambling again and getting off track, as usual lol. ill make a long story short, since I have been back and forth trying to write this  post for hours, I keep getting side tracked and now its time to sit and watch a movie and relax. so..

AS I WAS trying to say……we have a 3 bedroom place, he has 3 BOYS , one that’s 3 and spends 2 nights a week with us, and two of his boys 11 and 17, are here 4 days a month, unless a holiday or summers are here, then they’ll spend more time here. my 16  year old daughter, is here 3 to 7 days a week, and the ex wanted to know WHY, DOES HER KID HAVE HER OWN BEDROOM. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?. I’M SO ANNOYED AT THIS AND THIS IS ONLY A FRACTION OF HER RUDENESS TOWARDS ME AND MY CHILD. I MEAN DO YOU WANT YOUR 16 YR OLD DAUGHTER SHARING A ROOM WITH A BOY OR BOYS? what she not allowed to have her own space, because her  or their kids are more worthy? which by the way, I cant begin how to tell you how rude, ignorant and lazy her oldest is, smoking weed, stealing my booze and then telling his mom I am a liar. oh don’t get me going.  I know you don’t know me well, but this alone says a lot about how ignorant this chick is. I am 42 years old, we are not children here. SORRY I REALLY NEEDED TO VENT AND HAD NO WHERE TO TURN TOO, SO I FIGURED ID LET IT OUT A LITTLE HERE, too bad I cant type fast, some of you would love to hear more, maybe I will start a new category involving exes and their children. what do you think?

ALL I know it bothered me so bad I spent hours crying on and off, and it has dampened our day. I didn’t get my errands done and my almost smile has been a frown. UGH


HERE, I do not feel judged and I also find I  am  NOT ALONE. which is a comforting. obviously there are people who feel the way I do and have the same ailments, but they are not in plain sight, it’s not like you can see people on the inside, and we don’t go around and spill our guts out, I mean who wants to listen to someone complaining all the time. you understand what i am saying. anyhow I DO  want to THANK YOU  all for SHARING  your thoughts, your openness on so many things, happy, sad, hurtful, fun, hobbies, writings pictures and SO MUCH MORE, I ALSO WANT TO THANK YOU  for your interest and reading some of my blog.

ANOTHER DAY… pain, its been a couple of weeks that I have had a very bad bout of FMS (Fibromyalgia)I am slowly coming out of it, THANK GOD because  I have been a Train wreck, extremely tired, irritable, annoyed and very bored:(I DON’T SLEEP WELL AT ALL EITHER. everything I do is a challenge, that’s where the drinking comes in, by the end of the day I cant take it anymore, so a good strong drink usually helps me out. I take different meds throughout the day, stretching goes without say, no matter where I am or what I’m doing, especially the morning. I stretch and stretch…. did I mention… I HATE MORNINGS:( I go to PT a Chiropractor, Massage just about everyday, heat pads and ice every hour sometimes,hot tubs I thought I had no more options. the crappy thing is I walk around in a fog for hours, sometimes days, this is fibrofog, apparently some of the fog is caused by not getting enough oxygen to the brain due to so many muscle spasms stopping the flow from getting through properly. I guess I have been on the “POOR ME” kick lately. I’m tired of living this way and I wonder what  have  I done to deserve this life?I always have  negative thoughts and what did I do? why does God hate me? I am always depressed.(not to mention all the other painful things in my life)making me depressed as well.WHY CAN’T I just have a few good days in a row. I’m useless, why was I born? why did my brother and sister die and not me? WHY THIS WHY THAT? I’m not getting any answers, I don’t think I will get those answers for a very long time.


MY BOY FRIEND heard me in the bathroom crying and asking God all these questions he simply came in hugged me tight and said that GOD DOES LOVE ME, and he didn’t make it rain because I was feeling a little better, it wasn’t about me, “it’s raining hunny ‘because the earth needs it. Why would God hate you? your a beautiful soul”. He was right, God doesn’t hate, it’s not possible.

I HAVE DECIDED TO CHANGE SOMETHINGS……..I am going to work on a better diet plan and spend some of my ”car fund” on acupuncture. I do hope he makes a difference, for I am done wasting away, I want to be me AGAIN full of energy and hope, and not be afraid to speak on the phone or go somewhere different out of my comfort zone. I wanna play guitar for more than 20 minutes cuz the pain stops me. took me hours to write this post because it hurts to sit here for more than 15 min at a time. and I am such a scatter brain I side track as well. I AM GONNA WORK MORE ON MY SPIRITUAL AWARENESS since I have seem to let that go as well. would it be ok to ask for a prayer to guide me?


FORGIVE MY UNORGANIZED POSTS, I haven’t a clue how to use this site, for I am learning as i go, i was never very good at the computer, and hope i am not judged by the way this all is presented. Not to mention I have had a bad case of  Fibro flair up and Fibro Fog for the past 2 weeks. it seems to take FOREVER to leave a comment or post one, because i cannot organize my thoughts. I’ll sit and stare at the screen for minutes at a time in a daze trying to figure out what i need to say or do. and now i feel as I’m rambling, simply because this is NOT what my post was suppose to be about. lol. i guess I’ll leave it at………FORGIVE ME?

Here it is another day, I wake up in pain and I pray,

please lord find me some relief, before I can’t stand on my own two feet.

groaning and moaning as I crawl outta bed.cant believe I wrote this with the Fibro fog in my head.

this started out as just a note, writing always helps me cope.

it makes me concentrate on my words, so hopefully the pain signals go unheard.



Yes every word is true, and was  wrote  literally in 3 min. sometimes i just can’t write without rhyming so i guess ill call this  another poem, lol. even though it started with wanting to send a little post on how i felt  today.