ANOTHER DAY… pain, its been a couple of weeks that I have had a very bad bout of FMS (Fibromyalgia)I am slowly coming out of it, THANK GOD because  I have been a Train wreck, extremely tired, irritable, annoyed and very bored:(I DON’T SLEEP WELL AT ALL EITHER. everything I do is a challenge, that’s where the drinking comes in, by the end of the day I cant take it anymore, so a good strong drink usually helps me out. I take different meds throughout the day, stretching goes without say, no matter where I am or what I’m doing, especially the morning. I stretch and stretch…. did I mention… I HATE MORNINGS:( I go to PT a Chiropractor, Massage just about everyday, heat pads and ice every hour sometimes,hot tubs I thought I had no more options. the crappy thing is I walk around in a fog for hours, sometimes days, this is fibrofog, apparently some of the fog is caused by not getting enough oxygen to the brain due to so many muscle spasms stopping the flow from getting through properly. I guess I have been on the “POOR ME” kick lately. I’m tired of living this way and I wonder what  have  I done to deserve this life?I always have  negative thoughts and what did I do? why does God hate me? I am always depressed.(not to mention all the other painful things in my life)making me depressed as well.WHY CAN’T I just have a few good days in a row. I’m useless, why was I born? why did my brother and sister die and not me? WHY THIS WHY THAT? I’m not getting any answers, I don’t think I will get those answers for a very long time.


MY BOY FRIEND heard me in the bathroom crying and asking God all these questions he simply came in hugged me tight and said that GOD DOES LOVE ME, and he didn’t make it rain because I was feeling a little better, it wasn’t about me, “it’s raining hunny ‘because the earth needs it. Why would God hate you? your a beautiful soul”. He was right, God doesn’t hate, it’s not possible.

I HAVE DECIDED TO CHANGE SOMETHINGS……..I am going to work on a better diet plan and spend some of my ”car fund” on acupuncture. I do hope he makes a difference, for I am done wasting away, I want to be me AGAIN full of energy and hope, and not be afraid to speak on the phone or go somewhere different out of my comfort zone. I wanna play guitar for more than 20 minutes cuz the pain stops me. took me hours to write this post because it hurts to sit here for more than 15 min at a time. and I am such a scatter brain I side track as well. I AM GONNA WORK MORE ON MY SPIRITUAL AWARENESS since I have seem to let that go as well. would it be ok to ask for a prayer to guide me?