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Category Archives: bipolar

falling into the booze routine tonight, WHY? it makes me FEEL BETTER, can you say it does not? AHHHH but I am tired now, and for some reason I want to write, I have so much to say, and yet…………….IT’S TO DIFFICULT TO TYPE.:( UGH              I THINK I MAY BE FALLING FROM THE  ” I’M GONNA DO GOOD AND TRY HARDER” SHIT. why try if SO MANY PEOPLE BRING YOU DOWN?. I DON’T HAVE THE STRENGTH ESPECIALLY WHEN I AM GROWN. DOES THE DRAMA END? REALLY? WHEN? YA, I THOUGHT YOU SAID NEVER.      To a certain someone, you know who you are. I DON’T MEAN YOU.

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 Sometimes when your illness take’s over it can be quite scary , Not being able to separate fact from fiction, trying to convince yourself your thoughts are trying to take control,  arguing with your self in your head can be so tiring and so confusing, and  a lot of what you hear you believe, some thoughts are true, some  possibly fabricated, some so far from the reality but yet you believe they  exists.  negative thoughts are those in control and block your mind from trying to rethink in a positive state, especially if it is about you and your worthlessness, feeling useless, and tired of fighting leads you to believe you cannot survive another day. Convincing yourself you are worth it, you can fight this, you are strong, don’t let the evil in, is much more harder than an un mentally ill  person could ever know.

    Having a chemical imbalance can come with different extremes, some may just fight bad thoughts, or maybe cry a lot, some see and hear things that are not real, not at a spiritual level, but more at a psychotic level,  psychotic episodes are usually more harmful than helpful. some people living with a chemical imbalance of some sort, choose to end their lives through suicide, because they can no longer face the life challenge they have been given. Some people loose hope, get so tired of fighting and just simply  can not cope any longer. Our simple thinking mind, is not so simple. Simple thoughts turn into dramatic scenarios that replay in our heads over and over again, like a scratched record that repeats itself until someone interrupts it. Everyday can be a  struggle even in easy situations, simple words said by another. Whether it is someone you know or a passer buyer  on the street in a bad mood giving a dirty look your way, one simple word or movement can set off an ill individual without warning. A word, thought, or sight, a sound can trigger an explosion in an instant of those with certain illnesses , that’s what we can be without proper management or medication and a good support system behind us.

     The reply of  those not taking medication at the time when they may be   feeling the weight of the world on there shoulders, when they are so down and out, out of control with anger, stress and hopelessness is simple. It is having no self worth and not caring enough for themselves, feeling they are unloved and useless to those they love. Thinking you don’t  deserve to be happy and to get better, often leaving you with the thought that the world would be a better place without you.

     I don’t expect people who are blessed to live a mentally free life, to fully understand and grasp how and why our minds think the way the do, just like I don’t understand those mentally ill people who rape children, beat babies, kidnap teens, torture and kill, the list goes on. I guess a single human being


could never understand how exactly everyone thinks and why they do the things they do. Think about that for a minute…………. .

Try and think of the unthinkable things that people do that we do not understand. seriously what one single person could possibly understand every persons good or bad thoughts,?  all their right and wrong doings? and their reasons behind it?, All in one life time? That would be impossible.

WE ARE NOT GOD.


TEARS CLOUD MY HEART,

MY HEART IS A RED STONE,

TWISTED MINDED I AM.